halfway

With a groan, I closed my eyes even tighter to shut out the bright world outside. Where I lay now, it seemed only half of my senses were alive – and I don’t mean the five senses, or at least I don’t think so. A coral light filtered in through my eyelids, and I was at peace. The shadow of a figure crossing the room put a wall between me and my serene world. I winced in anticipation of being roused. A moment later I had slipped back into my delirium. My feet, as I could feel them, were warm and still, until, with a tiny movement, I realized that they too were asleep. Cold and lifeless being bent for too long.

My mind was half alert, in between waking and sleeping. Part of me tried to stay inside my mental state, the other half refused to fight back, gradually forcing me into realization. Eventually, I tested the light. Immediately my eye clenched down after one brilliant beam shone through, magnified by the window. As my face cringed at the pain, my mind was jolted and began to slowly start churning. I felt I could hear the gears clicking, their repetitiveness working in rhythm with my heartbeat.

I could remember a time when I was looking up at a bookcase. The shelves that I could reach were not good enough; I was dissatisfied. The top shelf was too high for me to see over, but I could see the corner of a piece of paper edging off the top, enticing me to look. I couldn’t reach. I thought perhaps it was useless, just a scrap of paper, but part of me could not resist the mystery. I got a chair, climbed up, and, with a wave of anticipation, I beheld what I had been wondering at. My excitement was met with ho-hum and disappointment. The shelf was as I suspected. A smooth wooden surface covered with a layer of gray dust. My hopes were dashed as even the mysterious old paper was a simple empty page. I had half expected it, yet my mind was anxious to play along and so I let myself believe that there would be something more, something other than what was so normal, so expected. Yet I had known…

That memoir was something similar to what I felt now. I knew deep down that this sublime and careless feeling wouldn’t last, yet my mind raced to deny it. Fighting uselessly against myself simply firmed the knowingness. Nearly by accident my eyes slit open to take in yet another dose of excruciatingly painful brilliance. Again I tried to shut it out. I could almost feel the pupils of my sensitive blue eyes closing and opening to adjust to the rapid changes of light. A deep sigh settled my restless nerves and allowed me to once again attempt to stay in my own little world, in this limbo of sleeping and waking.

My breathing slowed. The drumming in my ears echoed my slowing heart as my body shook with each repeated beat.

M.fs

‘s wonderful

I have had, for some time now, the theory that the sky affects our moods. If one looks up to the sky in search of something (happiness or something to that effect) comforting, and is welcomed by clear, bright blue, he will most likely be comforted, not by the sky, or some unknown/unseen power, but more likely his spirits will be lifted simply by the invigorating and soothing sight of the happy blue sky above. There is something about it that is, by nature, quite comforting. If however, he is met only by shapeless gray-white clouds, lifelessly gathered to cover the dependably blue sky, merciless to allow the sun to shine through its blanket of humidity, well, I do not think he will find comfort. Perhaps he will become sad, perhaps quiet, perhaps despairing, perhaps his state will not change. But you see, the color gray effects us no matter what we think. It is just not a happy color – and I’m not saying the only color that personifies happiness is yellow, but certainly there are other choices that can better convey this attribute (or state of mind, some might say).

For the last few days it’s been rainy, gray, and cold. All three are unhappy events of nature. Don’t get me wrong, I love the rain. The old saying, “rain, rain go away, come again another day” does not apply to me. In fact I’m very thankful for the rain, and I have very fond memories from the rain, and get deep inspiration from the rain – still, when paired with the color: gray, and the weather: cold, the result is disheartening. And so it has been for the last few days, and so I have felt. Today, G-d granted us a day in which the sun came out! The sky’s happy face was able to shine its beauty down on this frozen world of weariness; to attempt to cheer our dull hearts with its glorious sunshine.

It worked.
M.fs

heart vs. head

Plinky Prompt: do you follow your heart or your head?

Heart, definitely. It sounds really cliche to me, “follow your heart” but it’s so me. I use my head, but only once I’ve already followed my heart. :-) Delayed reaction…

calling heaven

What I realized a while ago, but just recently hit me, is this: Every morning I wake up and the first words out of my mouth are:

I gratefully thank you, O living and eternal Kind, for restoring my soul within me with compassion. Abundant is your faithfulness!

But have I realized just how important this prayer is? Not until today. I am so grateful to be alive today. The magnitude of G-d is inconceivable. He can do anything (to put it in layman’s terms)! Should He wish that I die, He can do it, but no, this morning, and every morning prior to this, every day of my life before today, I woke up. He woke me in the morning with His merciful kindness. I thank G-d every day for this but the idea of it really struck me today as it hasn’t before. Thank you O L-rd for giving me life!

Another prayer that I say regularly is the bedtime sh’ma. It’s pretty long, but the first part of it I have memorized, and here it is:

Master of the universe, I hereby forgive anyone who angered or antagonized against me, or who sinned against me, whether against my body, my property, my honor, or against anything of mine; whether he did so accidentally, willfully, carelessly, or purposely; whether through speech, deed, thought, or notion; whether in this transmigration or another transmigration, I forgive every Jew. May no man be punished because of me. May it be your will, O L-rd my G-d and G-d of my forefathers, that I may sin no more. Whatever sins I have done before you, may you blot out in your abundant mercy, but not through suffering or bad illnesses. May the expressions of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart find favor before you, O L-rd my rock and my redeemer.

Isn’t that beautiful? I love it. Every night, going to sleep knowing that all is well, is very comforting. It goes on about sleep and slumber, etc. (hence the title of the prayer) but this is my favorite part. It reminds me of the passage in scripture that reminds us not to let the sun go down on our anger. That means don’t go to sleep angry at someone. I’ve done this many times, but ever since I started saying the bedtime sh’ma, when I say the words “I hereby forgive anyone who angered or antagonized against me, or who sinned against me…” the person who made me mad, or who angered me that day, immediately flashes into my mind. I forgive them. It’s soothing in a way, knowing that I don’t have a grudge against anyone, with the constant reminder that in saying those words, I can’t bring up that problem or situation again, since I’ve completely forgiven them. What’s in the past stays there.

I encourage you all to do this, or some version of this, as it is the month of Elul - right your wrongs, and ask forgiveness of those you sinned against in any way, whether in knowledge or unknowingly. Take the time to make decisions for the coming year, etc.

Our Father who is in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom and power and the glory forever, amen.

M.fs